I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
