my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
