If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
