How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
