Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize