Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
