tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
