3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
