I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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