I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
