are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
