Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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