Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Randomize
