The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
