Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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