Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
