PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize