Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
