The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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