My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
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