If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
