What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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