I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize