I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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