A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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