i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
