Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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