Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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