i don't like sucking hair
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
