We won't sleep together?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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