I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
