as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
