Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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