I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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