My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
