I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
