Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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