i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
