I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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