Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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