I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
