My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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