Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
