Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
