Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
