haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
