Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
