Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
