don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
