in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
