If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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