Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
