They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
