My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
