Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
