his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
