Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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