I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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