Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize