I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
