I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
