Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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