How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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