dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
