man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
