Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
