you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
