I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
